The 'Crossover' Episode: If AFL Clubs were International Soccer Teams

Last updated: May 8, 2020, 4:30AM | Published: May 5, 2020, 7:22AM

So you’re missing the AFL and you’re missing soccer, and it’s only getting more painful as we delve deeper into winter.

We’d of course by now be in thick of sorting out the pretenders and contenders in the footy, while it’s prime getting-up-at-four-in-the-morning soccer season, dousing oneself in coffee and listening to the UEFA Champions League anthem half asleep.

So how about, in the most playful of fashion of course, if we assign all 18 AFL clubs an international soccer team? Call it a Stats Insider ‘Crossover’ episode if you will, as we navigate these frustrating sporting times.

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GOLD COAST SUNS - ANGUILLA

The Suns are on a 19-game losing streak, have never had a winning season and function as the Barron Trump of the AFL.

Anguilla? Well, this small Caribbean nation is ranked 210 of 210 according to FIFA’s most recent rankings, have never made a World Cup, let alone won a single qualifying match. Their most recent friendly was against 105th ranked Trinidad and Tobago and they lost 15-0. While the Gold Coast celebrates its beaches and nightlife, Anguilla’s renowned as a tourist tax heaven, opting to place no less than three dolphins on its national flag.

GEELONG - ARGENTINA

It’s actually a little eerie how much Gary Ablett Senior and Diego Armando Maradona have in common, from their otherworldly brilliance on the field, to some of their more unsavoury misadventures off it. In more recent times, Argentina is home to the greatest footballer on the planet in Lionel Messi, while Geelong might have the AFL’s very best right now in Patrick Dangerfield. Combined World Cups and AFL premierships by Messi and Dangerfield: 0.

GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY - BELGIUM

Belgium have emerged as a genuine force in recent years thanks to its seemingly bottomless pit of young talent. The likes of Kevin De Bruyne, Romelu Lukaku and Eden Hazard have helped Belgium claim FIFA’s current #1 ranking, even if it’s one yet to be consummated by a big-time trophy. Likewise, the Greater Western Sydney Giants have, in short time, climbed the AFL ranks off the back of its own precocious pool of young talent. If managed correctly, it’s only a matter of time before either Belgium or GWS can drive to the next window to collect their family packs of silverware.

BRISBANE LIONS - BRAZIL

From 1994 to 2002, Brazil made 3 straight World Cup Finals, housing some of contemporary soccer’s greatest names in Rivaldo, Roberto Carlos, Romario and of course, Fat Ronaldo. At their best, they were simply unstoppable, mesmerising the world with their deep talent and profound skill. At a similar time, the Brisbane Lions were shaking the foundations of the AFL, claiming a hat-trick of flags between 2001 and 2003, while perhaps sporting the league’s greatest ever midfield led by the likes of Michael Voss, Jason Akermanis, Nigel Lappin and Simon Black. Incredibly, it’s been 17 long years since Brazil danced on the world’s biggest stage, while Brisbane hasn’t won a single Final in more than ten years.

FREMANTLE - CHILE

These two sit right next to a couple of sporting superpowers in Argentina and West Coast, yet both exist in a state of perpetual underachievement in comparison to their neighbours. Chile has more winners of the Nobel Prize for Literature (2) than it does World Cup Quarter Final appearances (1) while the Dockers have missed the AFL Finals 18 times in their 25 seasons.

ADELAIDE - GREECE

The world is still scratching its head as to just how Greece won Euro 2004. There’s a similar feel in the AFL with clubs still haunted by how the Crows stole two straight premierships in the late 90s. Thankfully neither Greece or Adelaide have caused too much turmoil since, save for a couple of government debt crises, and in Adelaide’s case, a very peculiar pre-season camp.

PORT ADELAIDE - EGYPT

No country has been crowned African National Champions more often than Egypt, with ‘The Pharaohs’ gobbling up 7 titles. Egypt has unfortunately not been able to transfer its domestic dominance onto the global stage, qualifying for just 3 World Cups, while not winning a single game whilst there. Squeeze your eyes hard enough and you’ll see the similarities with the Port Adelaide Football Club. Prior to their admission to the AFL they positively scorched their local South Australian opposition, helping themselves to a record 36 SANFL premierships. That kind of dominance simply hasn’t carried over to the AFL, with their own Hosni Mubarak or sorts, David Koch, overseeing a particularly barren spell for the proud club.

COLLINGWOOD - ENGLAND

A gross misinterpretation of their place in the boarder competition? Tick.

A strong connection to long-gone, exaggerated glories? Tick.

A reputation for being home to some of the league’s most deranged fans? Tick.

Does Wayne Rooney look like he could have played 250 games for Collingwood? Tick.

RICHMOND - FRANCE

When this sleeping giant awakens, it inevitably wreaks havoc on all and sundry. Problem is, its naps are famously long. The Tigers qualified for the Finals just 3 times in 30 years and existed as an AFL laughing stock. Their rebound, and re-awakening of its gigantic fanbase, has however been spectacular, winning 2 of the AFL’s last 3 flags. As for 'Les Bleus', well they’re the reigning World Champs possessing a dizzying array of class led by the precociously talented Kylian Mbappe. With that said, the floor beneath the French national team, like Richmond’s, is never steady, and just as likely to collapse as they are to create a juggernaut.

WEST COAST - GERMANY

The West Coast Eagles, like Germany, are an efficient, title-winning monster. The moment you’ve moved on from their menace, they recalibrate, reload and reassert their dominance. The Eagles have won at least a premiership in each of the last 3 decades, Germany are 4-time World and 3-time European Champs. Also, if you can’t imagine Glen Jakovich and Guy McKenna in the ‘Die Mannschaft’s’ back four, then that’s your problem.

MELBOURNE - HUNGARY

One upon a time, honestly, both Hungary and the Melbourne Football Club were really, really good. These were the days when Ferenc Puskas was making goulash out of his opponents, helping ‘The Magyars’ to a couple of World Cup Finals and three Olympic Gold medals. Coincidentally, this was also the last time the Demons were on top of the world, with their 1964 flag being their last triumph, and which now constitutes the AFL’s longest premiership drought. Hungary have missed qualifying for the last 8 world cups, and have employed a very Melbourne-like 13 different managers over the last 19 years. The Demons have collected 7 Wooden Spoons since their last flag, at one point even believing Brendan McCartney was part of the answer to their problems.

CARLTON - ITALY

No, not just because of the Italian heritage in Melbourne’s northern suburbs or because the brilliantly named Sergio Silvagni is a club legend, or even because of their famous dark blue colours. No, we simply linked Carlton and Italy because they were once great powers and simply aren’t anymore. The Blues have finished bottom 3 no less than 9 times over the last 18 seasons, while ‘The Azzurri’ missed the most recent World Cup for the first time in 60 years.

ESSENDON - THE NETHERLANDS

Certain drugs which aren’t freely available here, are in the Netherlands, while the Bombers were once sponsored by a company called ‘Orange’ and even had someone called Paul Vander Haar play 201 games for them. But really, we’ve matched the Dutch and the Tullamarine-based Bombers primarily because they were once actually relevant from a competitive standpoint but have both fallen sharply in recent times.

SYDNEY - PORTUGAL

The Sydney Swans are the little engine that could, morphing themselves from a competition easy-beat to a model of consistency and excellence. It’s a similar story with Portugal. This nation of just ten million people has no right to be as perennially brilliant as they are, producing some of the world’s greatest players and presenting as a constant threat at major tournaments. For what it’s worth, Petersham, in Sydney’s Inner West, is also home to Australia’s largest Portuguese population.

NORTH MELBOURNE - REPUBLIC OF IRELAND

There’s something kind of poetic, kind of convivial, something of the underdog, sectarian spirit about the Roos which makes comparisons with Ireland easy to shoehorn. The Irish have batted so far above their weight from an artistic and sporting perspective it’s not funny, while it’s a similar story with North who have constantly battled the geopolitics of the AFL, to not only keep their place in the competition, but routinely thrive.

ST KILDA - THE SOCCEROOS

The Saints and the Socceroos are all about immense pain, peppered with intense glory, culminating in one hell of a unique dish. St Kilda have collected 27 VFL/AFL Wooden Spoons and just the one premiership, yet their fans remain some of the most loyal and passionate in our sport. It’s a similar story with the Socceroos. It’s mostly been cruel on-field losses, punctuated by embarrassing mismanagement off it, however those invested remain intensely committed to their quixotic cause.

HAWTHORN - SPAIN

The Spanish national team treaded water for so many years and then exploded, winning the 2010 World Cup which was wedged in between two barnstorming European triumphs. In the process, 'La Roja', borrowing so much from Barcelona’s ‘Tiki-taka’ approach, helped revolutionise the sport, introducing a more territorial, death by a thousand cuts strategy. Hawthorn also changed the AFL, winning a hat-trick of premierships, with coach Alastair Clarkson implementing a completely different tactical approach which is still having stylistic repercussions to this day.

WESTERN BULLDOGS - URUGUAY

Uruguay are the junkyard dogs of world football, making an absolute mockery of their 3.5 million population, proving to be a regular nuisance among the sport’s traditional powers. The Bulldogs too have continually been an VFL/AFL survivor, employing the role of the pesky underdog to perfection, with their 2016 triumph representing the AFL's ultimate 'Rags to Riches' story.

James Rosewarne

James is a writer. He likes fiction and music. He is a stingray attack survivor. He lives in Wollongong.